For All It's Worth

Often I find myself thinking, if you were here at this very present moment, what would you say? What would you feel? What would you think of me? What will you do next?

Often I find myself thinking, and I realise that every single time you'd drop what you're doing, curse my name, feel embarrassed, think lowly of me, and walk right out the door.

Often times I feel like I should not deserve your friendship. That I am far too awful a heartless person, too creepy a hidden personality, too needy a wretched soul. As much as I would like to blame you for my pain, my misfortune, and my hurt, I know that ultimately I am only doing all to myself.

Often times I feel like I should drop to the lowest ranks of humanity, to cower in my shame. To walk into a wasteland, toxins floating pungent in the air. To swim in the sea of corrosion, wasting away at my heart and mind. To bask in the scorching pains of the Sahara, to embrace the gangrene of Alaska.

If you would only know what I do in the shadows, what I do when no one is looking, what I hide from the observant eye, then you would detest my very existence and withhold all sympathy from me. You would kiss my dreams, hopes, and plans goodbye. I would be good as chaff, drifting along in the wind.

And so I bury my sorrows, a hundred feet below the surface. I scale the highest heights to hang my burdens. I brave my fears and cheat death to look for a way out of my misery. I confront my enemies pretending to be their friend, only to flee from my failures.

Because I know my feelings truly reflect the truth of the matter.

But God. I'd do anything to be with you.