Intrigue

Her name is Jay. Six SixtyFour, to be precise. But let's just stick to Jay.

Let's also jump straight into the deep end; our feelings lack mutuality. But that's alright, you get "yeses" and "noes". Part and parcel of the package of life. Everyone must experience their fair share of rejects, as perfection resides in none. So coupled with mundane things like these, you learn to live with failure and move on with life.

What utter rubbish. How can I move on from someone I cannot even let go?! Time and time again I attempt to fill my mind with pleasantries, only to find myself hopelessly falling back to square one. You learn to live with the pain, you learn to embrace the hurt, but you can never ever forget. You can never ever truly let go. You can never ever experience freedom from those who provide you freedom in its essence, if you shun them aside into one of the cabinets of life. Life, you have a preposterous sense of humour.

Jay never leaves my mind. She never leaves my consciousness. Like an aphid she clings onto the tendrils of my mind, never leaving me for longer than a few minutes. Like an aphid she absorbs my time and drains me of my livelihood, but retaliation was never an option; retaliation was never my option. Like an aphid, she is is dwarfish and minuscule (which is coincidentally more than just a passing resemblance of her physicality), yet possesses an inner potential both devastating and destructive, gnawing away at the edges of my sanity.

Jay is the banshee that wails at my door, in the wee hours of the morning. Jay is the vampire that disguises itself as a bat, hastily and frantically prying at my window. Jay is the werewolf, howling prominently and frighteningly away at the night, waiting, pondering, lingering, until the opportune time arrives.

I just want to love her.

The Most Resilient Parasite

What is the most resilient parasite?

Many times over I've been just tempted to block you. Amputate your tumour inside of my mind. To sever the far from impeccable bond of friendship between us. Construct the Great Wall of China between us, never to be seen again. Escort every molecule of me two hundred miles away from you. After all, prevention is in fact better than cure.

Infatuation is a disease. It will degrade away slowly and steadily at your conscience, from humble beginnings of nibbles. You do not see the danger, so you feed it. Little by little you fade away, weakening. The worst part is that you do not realise it, the hardest part is that you do not realise you have to stop it. Nibbles turns to bites, bites turns to devours. And within a fraction of time, you realise that a part of you has passed and gone, never ever to return again.

You are fooled by the lie of pain. You are lied to by the deceit of hurt. You are deceived by the foolishness of suffering. Your mind learns to play tricks so well disguised that you do not even recognise it. You find yourself yearning for more, only to find that your satisfaction is only superficial. And yet in your mind you never actually stop trying. It is an addiction that can never leave your soul. It is an addiction that will never leave your soul.

And yet all I want to do is embrace you. To love you for who you truly are. To accept you for your imperfections, to live out eternity together. To withstand the test of time, to truly be a team so great that nothing stands in our way. To jovially enjoy the gleeful moments, and yet tenaciously endure the difficult ones. To support each other and to push one another to finish the race together.

But fear cripples me. The leap of faith is one meter too wide, one foot too impossible.

As oh so famously quoted by Nolan through DiCaprio, the most resilient parasite is an idea, but an idea is dead without emotion. So can emotion ceases to exist without the important jumpstart of will.